Alissa Walker's Next Article?

"Berang" (berang) 02/18/2016 at 20:04 • Filed to: this is a joke people

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Cell phones don’t hit people in the face. Poles do.

I’m actually just claiming all of these topics to make sure she doesn’t steal my ideas.

Cities are needlessly cluttered with steps that MAKE PEOPLE FALL DOWN.

Why do cities waste money putting giant pots in the way of roller bladers, making them get killed?

Sidewalks are clogged with dangerous bus stops. Killing people who wouldn’t have been killed by their cell phones.

Elevator doors are a threat to life and limb, and all they serve to do is keep people out of elevators. Ban them.

Water is a constant menace that has provided no benefit to mankind ever since it was invented.

Cell phones played no role in the deaths and injuries of these people, that the cell phone was present in their hands was a mere superficial coincidence. In fact, most of these inanimate objects ruining these people’s lives, are in practical terms, essentially the same as a car. [/sarcasm]

TheHondaBro > Berang 02/18/2016 at 20:09

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But the reason we have cheap gas is because of Iran, and we have the removal of economic sanctions thanks to the US government.

Thanks, George Washington. You’re a murderer.

V12 Jake- Hittin' Switches > TheHondaBro 02/18/2016 at 20:12

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Obviously

TheHondaBro > V12 Jake- Hittin' Switches 02/18/2016 at 20:13

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I have Vint Cerf to blame for this mean comment.

V12 Jake- Hittin' Switches > TheHondaBro 02/18/2016 at 20:20

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Clearly. Without the internet you couldn't have made it. I blame my elementary school teachers for teaching me how to spell

Steve in Manhattan > Berang 02/18/2016 at 20:26

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A cell phone doesn’t hit you in the face unless Russell Crowe chucks it at you.

PRBot II > Berang 02/18/2016 at 20:44

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The poles were asking for it.

MultiplaOrgasms > Berang 02/18/2016 at 20:58

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I don’t want to read the article because that would generate revenue for Gawker and thus Alissa Walkers salary, so can someone give me a detailed synopsis of it?

TheHondaBro > MultiplaOrgasms 02/18/2016 at 21:03

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Low gas prices are killing people... or something.

MultiplaOrgasms > TheHondaBro 02/18/2016 at 21:04

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How often must we tell them that gasoline is in fact NOT a cheap substitute for Vodka.

scoob > MultiplaOrgasms 02/18/2016 at 21:05

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CARS BAAAD

CAR NO GOOD

ME NO LIKE CAR

THAN NO ONE CAN LIEK CAR

CANNOT INTO CAR

SNAPCHAT GOOD

TWETTR GOOD

FACEBIK GODO

davesaddiction @ opposite-lock.com > Berang 02/18/2016 at 21:05

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I'm laughing so hard right now.

Berang > MultiplaOrgasms 02/18/2016 at 21:08

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Her idea is that blaming the deaths of pedestrians who were distracted by their phones on the phones distracting them is wrong, because obviously they were killed by cars. And that the idea that phone distraction could kill pedestrians is obviously an effort to shift blame onto victims. She then throws out a red herring, on the subject of people are driving more because gas prices are lower, and this is what is really killing people.

This of course ignores that if you’re walking and texting, it doesn’t matter if there are any cars around, you can still get hurt.

MultiplaOrgasms > Berang 02/18/2016 at 21:21

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Shit like this is why humans haven’t been on Mars yet.

Berang > MultiplaOrgasms 02/18/2016 at 21:22

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Because there are more suckers to rip off on earth?

MultiplaOrgasms > Berang 02/18/2016 at 21:24

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Because we’re incapable of doing anything constructive.

Berang > MultiplaOrgasms 02/18/2016 at 21:25

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Why be constructive when there’s money to be made doing nothing?

That’s most of the history of the past 50 years.

Tekamul > Berang 02/18/2016 at 21:59

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Thanks jerk. While reading this post, I ran my hand right through a table saw. Now I have to ban my table saw AND get a smaller phone so I can reach the whole keyboard with 1 thumb.

Berang > Tekamul 02/18/2016 at 22:02

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You’re going to need a band saw from now on.

Baeromez > TheHondaBro 02/18/2016 at 22:52

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The sad thing is that there are plenty of people who unironically believe this already.

wafflesnfalafel > Berang 02/18/2016 at 23:46

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Ha! That’s what I was thinking too... sure accidents will go up if you have more cars, just as they will if you have more pedestrians - the valuable data is left after you factor those other variables out, which really wasn’t discussed much... And it certainly doesn’t take a cell phone to be completely unaware - we had a very tragic fatality last year just a few blocks from our place where a lady had safely stopped then proceeded to turn left at a 4way stop at the same time an older gentleman decided to cross the street at the same place assuming the woman had seen him. Unfortunately she had not. Neither was paying attention, neither took any action to avoid each other. The gentleman passed away and the woman likely won’t ever completely get over it either.

Hiroku > Berang 02/19/2016 at 07:14

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Shame I can only give you one star. This is good Kinja (unlike Alyssa Walker posts).

Spoon II > Berang 02/19/2016 at 10:30

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I have a larger problem with her. She had an article on pollution reduction in India that said “a slight reduction in pollution”. That slight reduction was 18%. That’s not slight. I used the example, that if someone takes 1/5th of your pizza, you’re going to notice. It’s large.

Spridget > Berang 02/20/2016 at 16:48

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“In other news, The Onion recently hired a new writer . . . .”

Spridget > Berang 02/20/2016 at 16:56

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Alissa Walker has 12 letters in her name. It’s been 12 years since the 2004 election. John Kerry ran in the 2004 election. John Kerry served in Vietnam. John McCain also served in Vietnam. John McCain ran with Para Salin in 2008. Barack Obama won in 2008. Barack Obama went on Comedians in Cars getting coffee, which is hosted by Jerry Seinfeld. Jerry Seinfeld worked with Larry David. Larry David played Bernie Sanders on SNL. Bernie Sanders is a socialist. France had a socialist government under Charles De Gaulle. De Gaulle rode around in a Citroen DS. A Citroen DS is a car. There are three letters in the word car. There are three sides in a triangle.

Coincidence? I think not.

IT’S A GOVERNMENT CONSPIRACY.